


I thought there was nothing you could do that would scare me away (though now I'm not so sure)

by MatildaSwan



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Heavy Angst, but only Bernie and Serena actually make a significant appearance, everyone connected to Elinor's storyline is here, have I mentioned the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9780548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaSwan/pseuds/MatildaSwan
Summary: Serena had asked Bernie to give her space. Serena has asked Bernie to give her space and Bernie had done exactly that. Serena had asked Bernie to give her space and Bernie had done exactly that and never thought, even for a second, that Serena might lose herself in the space Bernie had given her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Elinor dies, kids, this is a major angst!fest of canon accompaniment from "I Do, I Do, I Do" to the latest ep. So, spoilers if you haven't watched it yet. 
> 
> Do note that I have stretched time in one place: the time between "Stick or Twist" and Serena not starting work and Serena actually coming back to work in "Lions and Lambs" a solid month, but everything else is on the same chronology as canon. 
> 
> Song title inspired by Sia's "We Can Hurt Together" bc @merlystreeeps posted a soul crushingly beautiful gif!set while I was writing this and burrowed into my brain: http://merylstreeeps.tumblr.com/post/157271123417/you-say-you-are-fine-but-i-see-behind-behind

“I just want to be on my own,” Serena had said. Can you give me some space, she had asked. Serena has asked for something so Bernie gave it to her: gave her space.

She does not coddle Serena with kid gloves: she treats her like an adult capable of knowing her own mind. She does not crowd her: respects her right to grieve in private and process and feel and fall apart by herself. She does no cling to Serena: grip so fierce it almost bruises to make sure Serena stays and never leaves.

Bernie does not do any of that, just like she does not throw her arms around Serena and envelop her so tight the both of them might break from the force of her embrace.Just like she does not reach out and pull Serena close so she feel her warm and nuzzled against Bernie. Just like she does not rest her chin on Serena’s shoulder and screw her eyes shut and never open them again; never open her eyes again so she never has to look at Serena be in so much pain ever again

Bernie does not do any of those things, no matter how much she wants to, because Serena did not ask for any of that. Because Serena did not ask for any of this but she asked something of Bernie so Bernie gives it to her. Gives her time and space to figure out what else she needs, what else she needs of Bernie, who she needs Bernie to be and Serena has needed Bernie to be a lot of someones since Elinor died.

 

*

 

Bernie has been a lot of someones since Elinor’s accident: a lot of someones for Serena.

She was the one who opened the door of Jason’s hospital rooms with a face that shattered Serena’s whole life apart. The one who stood beside Serena while they accessed Elinor’s condition and the one who held her upright when they shook their heads and took away her hope. The one who rubbed her shoulders as Serena sat by her daughter’s bed while the machines keeping her alive hummed and clicked and wheezed.

She was the one who thought of practical matters like compassionate leave and organ donation and calling Edward. The one who stayed with Serena and Elinor until Edward and Liberty arrived. The one who stood back to give the family space as Serena sat and Edward stood by their daughter’s deathbed: silent and rigid and unmoving while Liberty dissolved into hysterics. The one who guided the wailing woman away to give the three some peace: to leave the family alone to grieve. The one who kept Liberty company while Serena and Edward discussed what to do next and how long they would keep using extraordinary measures to keep Elinor breathing. 

She was the one who kept checking in on Jason while Serena could not move from Elinor’s side. The one who brought Serena fresh clothes and made her take a shower and get some sleep: the one who stayed with Elinor while Serena tossed and turned in the on call room.

She was the one who took Serena home after they turned off the machines five days after the accident. The one who held Serena while she sobbed and spat and screamed on the the floor of Elinor’s room because her daughter was dead and lying stiff in hospital morgue and never coming home.

She is the one who left Serena and Edward alone the next day, left them alone to organise the funeral. The one who went to visit Jason at the hospital to passes on Serena’s love. (The one who got a text saying her own child is running away to London that afternoon and waited to say goodbye before retuning to Serena’s side. The one who does not leave again until the day before the funeral.)

She is the one who brought Jason home that day because Serena asked and made sure the both of them are settled before leaving for home because Serena asked. The who picked them both up the next morning to drive to the funeral. The one who took them both home and asked if Serena wanted her to stay.

She is the one who listened when Serena said yes: said yes and asked her to help her get to sleep. The one who listened when Serena asked for Bernie, asked to have Bernie, asked for Bernie to have her until there was nothing left inside her head and she could finally sleep. The one who listened and agreed with a lump in her throat the size of her own bruised heart.

She is the one who kissed Serena till she stopped thinking. The one who fucked Serena till she forgot what day it was. The one who managed, for a few brief blissful moments, to make Serena forgot about that day and everything that came before it. The one who did not mention the tears streaming down Serena’s eyes and over her cheeks and soaking through the pillowcase. The one who held Serena as she sobbed and rubbed her back until she stopped shaking and stroked her hair until she fell asleep. The one who watched Serena as she slept through the night for the first time since Elinor’s accident.

She was the one who cared for Jason when Serena’s attention was too focused on trying to feel like a human being again to be able to help anyone else. She was the one who took Jason to the museum when he had asked to get out of the house for a few hours, the one who had seen the relief in Serena’s eyes at the thought of having the afternoon to herself. She was the one who offered to drive Serena to counselling and the one who understood when Serena said she wanted to go on her own.

She was the one who agreed to organise Serena’s return to work when she said she wanted to come back. She was the one who drove Serena to work her first day back. The one who walked by Serena’s side into the hospital where her daughter died. The one who reassured Serena when it all got too much and the one who let her go when Serena walked away.

She is also the one who reached out as Serena pulled away: not to stop her going but to let her know she could come back. Let her know that Bernie will be when Serena wants her back. Because Serena had asked Bernie to be the one who gives her space and Bernie does exactly that.

 

*

 

Within the space Serena wants Bernie finds room to make sure Serena knows Bernie is still there for her.

Bernie goes back to her flat that night after Albie’s. She debates about not calling Serena, that maybe she wanted to be left completely alone. Then she remembers how upset the radio silence of Kiev had made her, reaching for her phone with her thoughts hundred of miles away: she presses call before she registers the phone is in her hand.

Serena sounds relieved to hear from her and Bernie knows she was right to call. They chat for a while, she mentions the flowers in the office, offers to bring the cards around some time. Serena asks her to bring them round tomorrow and Bernie knows that no matter how far Serena might push her away, she does not want her to go. They say goodnight and Bernie curls up in bed. It feels strange — it has been so long since she slept alone in her flat the bed feels — and Bernie does not like it.

She comes over after her shift the next evening, after Jason is asleep. Brings dinner in case Serena has not eaten and to put in the freezer if she has. Leaves the stack of card on the kitchen bench and fills Serena in on the ward while she makes Bernie some tea. Bernie sips and Serena goes to take a shower turns her attention to the florist in the living room.

She goes through the dozens of bouquet that have been sent to the house since the funeral: collects the cards for Serena to reply to, changes the water of the vases with still thriving flowers and throws out all the wilting bunches. Collects all the fallen petals and leaves and throws them out too.

Serena comes into the kitchen after her shower. Looks relieved when she sees the forest has been weeded to a field. Looks apprehensive when she of the envelope stack Bernie left on the kitchen counter. She thanks Bernie, for dropping round and says she is feeling rather tired. Bernie nods and gets her coat. Kisses Serena on the cheek and hears the front door shut firmly behind her.

 

*

 

Bernie is relieved to hear Serena’s decision to take the next few weeks off work. Asks permission to come round, every few days, and always gets it. Comes by to check on Jason and to check on Serena. Bernie takes the opportunities to make sure the pantry is stocked and the milk is still fresh and the bins have been taken out. Worries about trivial things like the dishwasher and washing tea towels and the recycling so Serena does not have to. She does all the things that Serena cannot quite manage and gives her the space to manage all the things that she can.

Usually she does not stay long, sometimes the duration of Countdown.She does her best to drops in and roll out: does not crowd Serena but still checks to make sure she still alive. Sometimes Serena asks her to stay longer, other time she asks her to go. Bernie does not see much of Serena but she does see Serena and that will just have to be enough for now.

She thinks things are getting better when Serena comes back to work. Think about how Serena thought she was ready before she actually was and thinks of a way to ease her into the swing of things. Serena is less than impressed but not actually angry about Bernie’s interference. Says as much in their office: the office they have not been in together for weeks and far too long.

Bernie is thrilled to have Serena back in their office. Bernie is thrilled to have Serena back in their office and sitting across from her. Bernie is thrilled to have Serena back and realises just how much she misses Serena.

“I’ve missed you,” she says because she cannot help herself. The smile Serena gives her in reply is equal part reassuring and heartbreaking.

“I know,” Serena says because she does. “I just needed—”

“Space,” Bernie finishes for her. “I understand.” And she does, understands the need to curl up and recharge away from from anyone and everyone; understands the need far better than most. “Just…”

 _I’ve missed you, missed you being here, with me._ Bernie wants to say. _I’m glad you back now I’m glad your back here with me because I’ve missed you._ Bernie wants to tell her. _I know you need space Serena but please know you are loved please know that I love you even when you’re not here — especially when you’re not — and it is so good to have you back._ Bernie wants Serena to know that more than anything in the world.

But Bernie will not crowd Serena; will not cling to her. Will not starve Serena of oxygen by stealing it all from their air and using it to vomit out the novel of feelings Bernie has been writing for Serena: will not force all those words onto Serena and bury her under the weight of it. So Bernie says nothing: breathes sharply, and changes the subject.

Little does she know that their entire conversation with have changed by the end of their shift.

 

*****

 

The absence of conversation she has with Jasmine when she hands her the transfer request has Bernie shocked and confused. Her conversation with Morven seconds later leaves her concerned and so very terrified. A part of her hopes Morven was mistaken, though Bernie knows she was not.

She still hopes, thought, as she walks to their office; she loses the last sliver of hope as she opens their office door to find Serena in front of a spread of papers. She can feel the storm rage in her heart leak out onto her face. It hurts, more than Bernie can say: she had not expected Serena to lose herself in the space she had given her.

“What you doing with those?” Bernie asks, because she wants to understand. And a part of her does understand why, she supposes, listening to Serena race through her reasons. She can understand _why_ Serena is so desperate to make sense of it all, to see the logic in what happened. But she does not understand _what_ sense Serena thinks she can make of it: when sense she thinks she can find of a situation that never had any logic in it to begin with.

“I cannot let you do this to yourself,” she explains as she gathers up the files. Bernie ignores Serena’s weak protests because she cannot let Serena do this to herself: she just cannot.

“Yeah, well, that’s not your decision to make,” Serena says with more bite than before.

“You’re tilting at windmills,” Bernie says, because Serena is so set on finding answers she has yet to realise there are none to be found. Serena will never find an answer for why it had to be Elinor that died.

“Give her back to me!” Serena shouts. It is the volume, as much as file being ripped from of her hands, that startles Bernie into silence. But the words are why she stays silent; stays silent for what they mean.

She stays silent as she realises the person Serena wants Bernie to be, wants Bernie to be most in the whole world, is impossible to be. Impossible to be the one who brings Elinor back. It would be fitting, if she could, of course, to bring Elinor back. Bernie was, after all, the one who took her away in the first place: the one who walked into a hospital room and obliterated Serena’s life.

There is a knock at the door and Bernie retreats to the corner of the office. Bernie stands apart from Serena in absolute turmoil and Serena leaves and Bernie wonders if this is how they are now. She lets Serena talk to Jasmine about staying on the ward. She does not plan on visiting that night.

Goes to get a drink with Morven and Jasmine instead. Keeps the conversation off Serena and hopes that they do think too badly of her Receives a text towards the bottom of her wine and is surprised when she read it: _please come over, I need you._ She buys a round for the girls and nothing for herself. Leaves quickly and goes straight to Serena’s.

Serena opens the door before Bernie knocks and pulls her into a fierce hug. Does not let go until the security light Bernie turned on with her arrival flicks off. The break apart and walk inside. She hangs her bag and her coat on the wall hook and takes off her shoes. Offers her hand to Serena and and lets her lead the way: walks up the stairs behind her and falls asleep with their hands still holding.

 

*

 

She stays every night that week, except for the Thursday night when Serena clocks off first and heads home to sort dinner and Bernie is suddenly waylaid with a flurry of traumas that keep coming in through the door. The night staff are happy to have her on board for a good three hours into change over, but by the time she finishes with the last surgery she is bone weary and barely manages the drive back to her flat let alone Serena house several miles too far to reach.

Serena is extra affectionate the next night so it really is not a bother. Bernie enjoys the intimacy and the rumbled tension they have come to cultivate. It seems that Serena does too, because sometimes Bernie catches her almost smiling. She is glad to see the extra hours of therapy are helping.

Which Bernie thinks is wonderful, that Serena found a therapist who can help. She is impressed, to find that they are is remarkably flexible: they let Serena reschedule without a hint of bother when the hospital overflows and schedules impromptu sessions at all hours of the day. So when Serena is not where Bernie expects her to be and she is not giving overtime to the hospital she assumes Serena is at a session. Because that is where Serena says she is, if she every ask, so Bernie has no reason to think otherwise.

Has no reason to think otherwise when Serena explains why Bernie woke up in an empty bed and a note that said “had to pop out early I’ll see you on the ward Serena x” on the kitchen counter. Has no reason think otherwise when she explains about the ripped and crumpled paper stuffed in her bag. Has no reason to think otherwise about anything that Serena says.

In hindsight she wishes she had thought, not just otherwise, but at all.

 

*****

The frequency creeps up on her, she barely notices it at first, how often Serena rebuffs her company. It starts with a text message.

Tuesday 7:32 pm  
Is there anything you  
need? I’ll grab it on  
my way over tonight.

 **Tuesday 7:56 pm  
** **No, we’re fine, thanks.  
** **Actually, I was going  
** **to have an early night,  
** **could you come round  
** **tomorrow instead?**

It is far from the first time Bernie has offered to come over but it is the first time Serena has asked her not to. Bernie tries not to feel put out.

 

Tuesday 8:05 pm  
Sure, I could bring over  
dinner - anything  
in particular you fancy?

 **Tuesday 8:56 pm  
** **No you choose. Night x**

Tuesday 9:03 pm  
Okay, sleep well x

Also odd, because Serena always knows what food she feels like, even a day in advance. But Bernie does not think too much about it and knows she is going to get Serena’s favourite anyway. Once again, in hindsight, Bernie wishes she had thought about it so much more.

 

*

 

After that is it tiny things when they are on similar shifts: declining a drink after work or a lift home. Not inviting Bernie over for dinner and Countdown, now that Jason is back in his nightly routines. Tiny things she ought to have noticed and thought about.

It is the text messages that make it clearer: short sentences recording their their mismatching shifts because phone calls are not an efficient way to communicate if they only overlap for a few hours a day. It is only after Bernie checks her phone for the fifth time in as many minutes waiting for a reply that she ends up reading thought her recent messages.

Thursday 5:47 am  
Quite night on the ward  
to finish off night shift :)  
should finish on time  
Bring over breakfast  
before your shift?

 **Thursday 7:36 am  
** **Sorry missed your text  
** **but I’ve already left.  
** **Try again for tonight? X**

Thursday 7:43am  
No matter. I’ll bring  
over dinner - what do  
you fancy?

 **Thursday 9:27 am  
** **No need it’s shepard’s  
** **pie night**

 **Thursday 5:34 pm  
** **Actually best not, Jason  
** **is in a bit of a mood,  
** **and it might be better  
** **if you stayed home x**

Thursday 6:03 pm  
Everything okay?

 **Thursday 6:29 pm  
** **Nothing to worry  
** **yourself over. You enjoy  
** **You weekend and I’ll txt  
** **Later**

Friday 7:56 pm  
How’s things?

 **Saturday 10:35 am  
** **Good, busy, ward is busy.  
** **Txt later**

Monday 6:30 pm  
Missed you leaving  
Do you want me to  
pop round?

 **Monday 8:02 pm  
** **I’m about to head to bed.  
** **Thanks tho, goodnight x**

Tuesday 7:58 pm  
Just about to clock off,  
I could pop round?

 **Tuesday 7:48 pm  
** **Not tonight  
****having an early night**.

Wednesday 8:04 pm  
I can come over  
with breakfast  
tomorrow?

 **Wednesday 8:06 pm  
** **No thank you  
** **I’m fine goodnight**

Thursday 6:45 am  
Coffee before work?

She twigs that maybe Serena does not want her around but it does not actually click that she not seen Serena outside of work for a week until she talks to Serena in their office after she arrives a hairs breath away from being late. Something in Serena’s energy is unsettling and suddenly, after days _weeks_ of not thinking: not thinking about or otherwise, thinking is all Bernie can do. She thinks so much she has trouble focusing on anything else.

She is further unsettled when she finds out she has not seen Serena for a week of supposedly early night that, now, seem to have been late ones. Late ones spent on Jasmine’s case and possibly drinking in the office when she had said she was home in bed and did not want to see Bernie.

Bernie does not know what to think and is thinking too much. She needs to slow down; take a moment. She walks to their empty office: door shut and top light off. Shuts the door, leaves the light off, and looks around the room. The glass on the desk is clean now and Bernie does not know what to think.


End file.
